How to Shower:

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry

hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you

see husband along the way, cover up any exposed

areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make

mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg

cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo

with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner

enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for

10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa

cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country. * Wrap

hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and

towel on head. If you see husband along the way,

cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the

bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her

making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire

the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse

them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and

surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs

stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was

hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light

and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you

pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and

make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at

the truth behind this, there is something SO very

wrong with you. Have a great day!

Oh, and....woo woo!!!

Warm Summer Day

A bunch of kids were trying to figure out what to do on a warm summer day. One of them gets an idea.

"But, I need some money....how much we got?," said one of the kids. Pooling their money, they got only $5.

The kid takes the $5 and runs off to the store, soon returning with a package of Tampons.

"What good are those?" the other kids ask him.

The kid replies, "Look, it says here that, with these, you can go swimming, ride a horse, play tennis......"

Fortune Cookies

I don't really believe in them, but I do think they're fun to read anyway.

IF you'd like to receive a fun online fortune cookie, CLICK HERE:

One thing that I like to do is whatever the fortune says, add "in bed" to it.

Like the other day, I got this fortune:

"You will have great success in life" (in bed)

Now in addition to the fortune, they're adding other things, like lucky numbers. In the picture below, the numbers given won the lottery!

















You can also have fortune cookies made to say what you want. Imagine getting your bill and cookies and getting the fortune below, haha:
























Here's another photo of a sheet of fortunes. Have you ever had any of these popular ones? Have fun with them by adding my phrase:

Stopped for speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Amazing Art!!!

These are all chalk drawings! They are simply amazing!!!

Snow, Snow, Snow!

What a crazy 24 hours it has been here! (I'll upload a picture when Blogger's picture thing isn't being stupid)

The snow if finally starting to stop falling, but for a while we were getting about 2 inches or more an hour of wet, wet snow every hour.

I have a 50 mile drive to work and back. On the way there it hadn't started snowing yet. Shortly after I arrived at work it started, and soon looked nasty. I just shook my head, picturing the ride home. We were released early, at around 12:30. I got home at around 2:10.

If you've never driven in snow, you don't have an idea of what it's like. I drive in it a lot, but this was different. Wet snow is hard to drive in, and it was coming down so fast, it made it pretty intense driving through it.

The windshield was getting all slushy and iced up within minutes of cleaning it off. I had to pull over and clean off my wipers 4 times (probably could have a few more, but I couldn't see enough spots to pull over. At one point the passenger side wiper had a huge ice chunk built up between it and the windshield, leaving it useless as it rode on the chunk back and forth.

Looking outside today, I would've predicted that we were greeted by around 20 inches of new snow, but according to the NWS, an amazing 32 inches fell on us in a 24 hour period!!! The whole area was kind of in a lockdown last night, and there was a blizzard warning until noon today. Now everyone is cleaning up, but there's a chance of more snow until tomorrow morning.

The good news? No work today again! The perks of being a teacher I guess!

The Juggler

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car. A drunk got out and watched the performance briefly and then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door, and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take me on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test!"

Hospital Hysteria

A modest man is in the hopital for a series of tests. One of the tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom...he decided the latest was another.

He completely filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets,and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The Security guard asked: "What's going on?"

To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

The Dental Visit

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."

After a while he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your damn tooth."

How to get out of a speeding ticket

Two guys I know were on their way home from a sporting event when they were pulled over for driving too fast.

Both of them are over 6 feet tall and stocky. The guy driving had one ticket on his record and didn't want another one, so they pulled over and started thinking quick.

The driver came up with a zany idea. He said, "Quick, flick me on the nose hard a couple of times!"

The passenger wondered what he was talking about. Again the driver pleaded, "Flick me in the nose, hurry!"

The passenger did what he said. (If you've ever done that to yourself, you know how painful that can be) He suddenly had tears pouring out of his eyes. The passenger quickly did the same thing.

The police officer got to the window and motioned for him to roll it down. Once the window was down he saw two huge guys huddled together crying, with tears in their eyes. He was spellbound, and didn't know what to say.

He eventually retorted, "Try to keep your speed down. I'm sorry, have a nice day!"

That is how they got out of the ticket, and if you could see them both, you'd laugh.

You Broke My Balls!

A friend of mine was sitting in the doctor’s office waiting to be called back in. A young boy around 3 or 4 was actively moving about, going under the chairs, sitting on top of the tables, and just having a good time. His mother kept calling him down and was becoming quite exasperated in her efforts to keep him still.

In frustration, she finally picked him up and set him in a chair in a no-nonsense fashion.

The little boy began to cry, “My balls, you broke my balls!” He then reached in his pockets and pulled out some crushed Ping-Pong balls.

An older gentleman sitting across the room came over and gave the little boy five dollars and said, “Here son, get you some new balls. You just made my day.”

Packing a Punch

Tonight the guys did their thing again on American Idol, and they proved once again what a solid group they are. I'd hate to have to pick 6 right now, and it'll be easier to go by the total votes. There's so much talent in the group.

Once again though, I strongly feel that Chris Daughtry was the top performer. His vocals are so strong, and he could easily be on the charts right now. Close behind him was Elliot. I listened closer to him because last week I didn't hear what the judges heard when they raved about him. After his song I was simply in awe. He was the tops of the night, until Chris finished. Gedeon was also very strong tonight. The rest were good, or fair, but I didn't think they compared with those 3 tonight.

What did you think?

As far as who I think will be voted off tomorrow- I'd predict David and Bucky. That's what I think anyway. David just croons, and they all sound the same to me now. Bucky is a nice guy, but I'm tired of that style. I want to see some range...