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A loving Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the
hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It'sonly $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house
we wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer,
but just offer 900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker
room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


Blind as a Bat

I can't see squat when it's dark. I also have a bad back, and I need to be careful about stubbing my toe because when I do I pretty much go down like an oak. I have degenerative disc disease in my lumbar vertebrae, so I'm usually pretty cautious about where I'm stepping.

There comes times when I'm put into a situation where I've got to walk when it's really dark out. I hate the feeling going through my mind. It makes me really nervous, because if I step on something wrong, or unexpected, or stub my toe, it's like a brief moment of paralysis in my legs, and I just go down. It seems like it all happens in slow motion, but I can't do anything to stop it.

When it's dark out and I'm not sure of my footing, or if it's an unfamiliar surface, I inch along like an elderly woman with a cane. It's really frustrating.

This one time my wife and I (engaged at the time) were coming back from going out. I had a fountain soda with me and we were going to
watch a movie. I was all excited about having a 44 oz. soda to drink. We got to her place and headed inside, only the outside light was off. I forgot about the long first step and stubbed my foot on it, thinking they were closer to the door. On my way down I exclaimed, "My pop!" I tried to hang onto it, but it spilled all over the steps. She thought it was pretty funny. I did too, later, but I was trying to avoid landing on my chin at the time.

I really need to get one of those lights on my keychain again. I feel like a complete
idiot when I'm out and it's dark.

My landlord is revamping the building right now and the outside lights have been
shut off for 3 weeks. There's no light out there at all. I've reminded him a few times that they're still off, but he needs a sticky note or something.

I just wanted to share this fact with you. Anyone else have the same problem?


Flood Damage

Crawford, Texas (AP) --

July 26th, 2007 A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.

The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of his books were kept. Both of the books have now been lost.

A presidential spokesperson said the President was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.


Convict on the Run

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.

Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck.... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."


Memory Problems

An elderly couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that."

He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."


The Golfer

The homicide detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"


"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head."

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five, six, seven.....Put me down for a five."


Pictures taken from the right angle


An eye for an eye, a cheek for a cheek

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to
come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."