Jealousy

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.

"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.

"Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"

Going batty!

Little did I know the terror such a little creature such as a bat would bring me.

This happened before I was married. Thankfully my wife didn't have to deal with any of this, but if only she could've seen what I went through.

I arrived home from a nice weekend out of town. I sat down at my computer and was checking up on the latest sports scores when all of a sudden I see WINGS. flap-flap-flap

I realize what it is and spaz. I don't really want wings of a bat in my face. My first thought was a bird, when I hadn't a chance to look. Even worse for me, is a bat. I know, they're small and fragile. Well, it's the wings that get me, and I'm not going near them.

So I get out of the room as quickly as possible, and it flies out the other door. Imagine sitting relaxed at a computer and 'whalla' - a bat starts flying around you. The ceilings in the rooms were about 8 feet high, so it was 2 feet above my head, if that. I DID NOT want that thing landing on me.

My plan - get it to fly out the front door. I wasn't risking any chance of it landing on me, or touching me. I had no tennis racket, and nothing really to swat it with. I wouldn't have even considered it anyway.

I had ran out of the room, and lost track of where it went. So now I had to locate the bugger. I snuck around like a sleuth, looking at every ceiling, every wall. I found the little guy nestled in my back entryway, resting on a wall.

Now to follow my plan I had to get him to fly out of the back entryway, through the kitchen (which was adjacent) and then through the living room (adjacent to the kitchen and computer room). To get him to fly I decided to use some wasp/hornet spray. I thought it might even kill him. Plus, it had a long range of spray... nearly 20 feet.

I took aim and got ready to run, but missed him with the spray. Then I got ready again and off the wall he came like "A bat out of hell" haha. I guess I wasn't quite ready, and plunged out of there, ramming into the refrigerator, and nearly tipping it over, moving it about six feet to the side. I ran to the front door, and ran outside.

The plan worked! He flew around a few times, and then flew out the front door. Whew!

I could relax. I decided to go to bed. I usually sleep in my skivvies, and laid down. I heard a rustling noise, and wondered, "What the heck is that now?" I decided I better find out since my mind was working up some eerie thoughts.

I turned on the lights, and decided to have a look around. Just near my bed was a small rectangular window, about shoulder height for me when I'm standing. I thought I heard something there, so I pulled the curtain back, and I'm greeted with WINGS flap-flap-flap.

Keep in mind I'm in only my underwear, and if I decently described my dislike for the wings, I was sprawled on the floor (in my underwear) in about one nanosecond. The bat was flying circles about 5 feet above my head, and I crawled for the door. I crawled out, not knowing if it had made it out too and ran for the bathroom. Luckily I had some clothes in there, and put on a sweatshirt and sweats.

My plan- Get him out of the bedroom. I was tired, and fed up at this point, and ready almost swat at one.

I opened the door, and he flew out of the room less than a minute after and went to the back entryway.

I'm now wondering how many I'm dealing with. I did a good search of my bedroom, and slept with the light on that night.

The next day I called my landlord and made him get rid of it.

For 2 years I didn't have any bats in the house. Then one night, I was sitting at my computer again, when it decided to visit my little computer room. I shut it in there that night and thought of a plan.

I laugh at myself now... I put a sheet up blocking off the kitchen/living room. I kept the bathroom door shut, so I wanted it to fly out the front door, which is off of the living room. I had found out it had spent the night in a closet in the computer room. The doors for the closet are the type where you pull the handle and they separate in the middle (forget the name of that type) Anyway I had blocked off the bottom of the closet, so I figured he couldn't get out.

About midnight the next night I heard him become active. He was moving around in there, and I could hear him on the floor. I was at the ready. I had on my bat-fighting outfit (sweatshirt with hood up, long pants, winter cap, gloves, 9-iron) I was ready!

Little did I know he decided to squish himself out through the top of the closet door. (Getting the heebie-jeebies again picturing this in my mind). He eventually squished through the small gap and sat on the door for what seemed like an hour. I had the door off the living room all set. I figured he'd fly out of that room, into the living room and fly out the door. Do you think he could do that for me? NOPE

He did finally fly out, and did a nice 3-4 circle tour of the living room, and then nestled to rest in the corner opposite of the front door. HELLO, MR. BAT --- GO OUTSIDE WHERE YOU BELONG!!!! So I was sick of the whole thing and began chucking gloves, hats, whatever I could find at the little bugger to get him out. Finally I nailed him with a glove and he flew around once and then flew outside.

That was the last episode with bats I hope I ever have. I've since moved from that place, but I still get a little jumpy when a shadow quickly goes by me as I'm sitting around.

I hope you enjoyed my little horror story!

Reposted**

Can you Remember your First Date?

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single.

This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There is absolutely no question why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so leaned her butt to rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about what is taking so long with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance.

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be pants down.

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment - - - -This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.

A Pet Peeve

Ok, most of the highways around here are two lanes. Every so often there's a passing zone= 3 lanes, two on one side for a passing zone of sorts.

Why in the heck do the people who drive right at 55 MPH for miles upon miles think that this is suddenly a freeway? It's not a freeway, it's a chance to get past a slow-poke like you! So, I drive 70 to pass the dimwit who ups his/her speed to 65. ANNOYING!

I feel like making a huge sign and putting it in my window when I drive past them.

"THE SPEED LIMIT IS STILL 55 MORON!"

Silly Schtuff

Happy Easter everyone

Where'd the cat go?

What Time is It?

A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an english speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.

"Excuse me," the husband says, "could you tell us the time?"

"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and lifts the donkey's balls. "It is 3:10", the man exclaims.

"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.

Again the elderly man lifts the donkey's balls and says, "It is now 4:45."

By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the time simply by lifting this donkey's balls!"

"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. "Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?"

"Of course", the man replies.

"Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience. "Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed.

"Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband does just that.

"Now" the man says, "can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"

The Newlyweds

** Warning - Mild Adult Humor **

A couple had just gotten married and were on their honeymoon. They had made love numerous times and were really enjoying their time together.

One evening after one of their more rowdy sessions the wife snuggled up to her new husband and said, "Honey, I love you very much, but I need to be honest with you. There will come a time when we're going to lose our gusto, or not feel in the mood as much as we do now.

The husband nodded his head "Yes, I've heard about that happening. What should we do?"

His beautiful bride thought for a while and then sighed, "I'm not sure, maybe we need to come up with a plan."

The husband was quiet for a while and said with a grin, "I know....you'll have a signal. If you want to have sex, you can stroke me once."

He paused for a moment and then added, "And if you don't want to, you can stroke me 500 times!"