The Barber

A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.

The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave."

The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face. "Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!" He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with muffled voice asked, "Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"

The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow. That's what most guys do."

Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday

He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95.

Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95.

Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks:
"What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $19.95?

The salesperson annoyingly answers :
"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... one of Ken's Friends.

Never Trust a Doctor

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast.

Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

The Healer

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

Bees!!

I got stung for the first time when I was about 10, and I think the incident scarred me for years. My family and I were out on a hike with some friends of theirs. We were walking and a yellowjacket somehow flew up my pantleg and stung me on the back of the leg. Well I went into a panic attack and spazzed. I know better now, but that was not the thing to do. Being Mama's little boy still, she whipped off my pants and put some mud on it, right in front of their friends. I wonder if they remember that?

A neighbor and I used to play sports together all the time. In the summer, winter, spring and fall you would have probably seen us shooting hoops, fielding groundballs, or tossing the pigskin around. IN the summer was the time of year when you could also see us running inside to get away from a bee. I know I probably brought the fear onto him, but he caught on quick. "A bee, a bee!!" Inside we usually did manage to get a glass of Kool-Aid, so we made it a habit. Thinking back to that, I find it hilarious that I would pretty much freak out when I saw anything flying.

I currently am not quite that scared of them, but I still avoid getting near them if I have the chance.

I've gotten stung in some pretty funny ways as well. One time I was riding my bike and I got stung right on the inside of my leg near my crotch. Talk about a sudden burst of pain, and in that area. I lost focus on the driving and steered right into the bushes on the side of the road.

Golfing, what a great sport. I've been stung twice golfing. One of the incidents would probably be one of my brother-in-law's funniest moments. We teed of on number 4 and as we were approaching the green the ranger told us to "be careful about a hornet's nest on the side of the green on the next hole. Someone had hit the nest or the tree it's in and they're mad!" We tee of on number 5 and I hit my second shot just right of the green. Of course that's where the nest was near. I run over to my ball and was going to play it quick and there were hornets zooming all around. As soon as I was about to hit the ball one stung me on the calf. I jumped away and high-stepped across the green, to his amusement. I didn't get stung any more, but that sure got my adrenaline pumping!

I've been stung several other times in my life. I've never been stung multiple times at once though, thankfully.

I guess I have apiphobia, or melissophobia, although it has gotten better.

Giving The Finger

Giving The Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually hanged to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew everything!