Tattoo Me

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get upon the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says.'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'

Psychic Child

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God blessMommy, goodbye Daddy."

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words,"Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

Jack or Barb

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, butJack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."

"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."

Room 302

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital . . . .

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I’ll connect you with the nursing station . . . . "

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment, let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me crap."

Who's That?

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head & stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"