Popsicle

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

A few moments passed.

"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."

"Jason is on his skate board."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too.

Five Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So the farmer hosed off the pigs, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Guys at Home Depot

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

A Doctor in Minnesota

A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients"."Yes, sir..." answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?" Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients. The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.

"Bravo ya Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!"

And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor. "I put eye drops in her eyes."