Whoopity Doo

Did you ever Wonder?

2009-07-20T00:02:00.000-04:00

Ever Wonder?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Duck Hunter

2009-03-24T14:42:00.001-04:00

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your cock. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Oh well, I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony, and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.

A loving Husband

2007-08-27T11:47:00.000-04:00

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the
hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It'sonly $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house
we wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer,
but just offer 900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker
room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Blind as a Bat

2007-08-26T00:01:00.000-04:00

I can't see squat when it's dark. I also have a bad back, and I need to be careful about stubbing my toe because when I do I pretty much go down like an oak. I have degenerative disc disease in my lumbar vertebrae, so I'm usually pretty cautious about where I'm stepping.

There comes times when I'm put into a situation where I've got to walk when it's really dark out. I hate the feeling going through my mind. It makes me really nervous, because if I step on something wrong, or unexpected, or stub my toe, it's like a brief moment of paralysis in my legs, and I just go down. It seems like it all happens in slow motion, but I can't do anything to stop it.

When it's dark out and I'm not sure of my footing, or if it's an unfamiliar surface, I inch along like an elderly woman with a cane. It's really frustrating.

This one time my wife and I (engaged at the time) were coming back from going out. I had a fountain soda with me and we were going to watch a movie. I was all excited about having a 44 oz. soda to drink. We got to her place and headed inside, only the outside light was off. I forgot about the long first step and stubbed my foot on it, thinking they were closer to the door. On my way down I exclaimed, "My pop!" I tried to hang onto it, but it spilled all over the steps. She thought it was pretty funny. I did too, later, but I was trying to avoid landing on my chin at the time.

I really need to get one of those lights on my keychain again. I feel like a complete idiot when I'm out and it's dark.

My landlord is revamping the building right now and the outside lights have been shut off for 3 weeks. There's no light out there at all. I've reminded him a few times that they're still off, but he needs a sticky note or something.

I just wanted to share this fact with you. Anyone else have the same problem?

Flood Damage

2007-08-24T22:59:00.000-04:00

Crawford, Texas (AP) --

July 26th, 2007 A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.

The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of his books were kept. Both of the books have now been lost.

A presidential spokesperson said the President was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.

Convict on the Run

2007-08-23T18:20:00.000-04:00

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.

Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck.... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

Memory Problems

2007-08-19T19:55:00.000-04:00

An elderly couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that."

He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

The Golfer

2007-08-16T23:36:00.000-04:00

The homicide detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head."

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five, six, seven.....Put me down for a five."

Pictures taken from the right angle

2007-08-12T07:46:00.000-04:00

An eye for an eye, a cheek for a cheek

2007-08-06T19:01:00.000-04:00

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Old enough to start Cussing

2007-06-21T14:53:00.000-04:00

Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says,"I think I'm old enough to start cussing."

Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?"

Older boy,"Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say."

Younger boy, "I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass',Dad says that all the time.

They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the older one,"What would you like for breakfast dear?"

He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops."

Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one,"And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Fruit Loops!"

Tattoo Me

2007-05-31T20:59:00.000-04:00

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get upon the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says.'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'

Psychic Child

2007-05-25T17:56:00.000-04:00

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God blessMommy, goodbye Daddy."

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words,"Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

Jack or Barb

2007-05-23T23:02:00.000-04:00

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, butJack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."

"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."

Room 302

2007-05-23T20:32:00.000-04:00

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital . . . .

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I’ll connect you with the nursing station . . . . "

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment, let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me crap."

Who's That?

2007-05-22T22:43:00.000-04:00

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head & stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

Popsicle

2007-03-19T17:03:00.000-04:00

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

A few moments passed.

"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."

"Jason is on his skate board."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too.

Five Pigs

2007-03-14T17:50:00.000-04:00

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So the farmer hosed off the pigs, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Guys at Home Depot

2007-03-02T19:19:00.000-05:00

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

A Doctor in Minnesota

2007-03-01T17:35:00.000-05:00

A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients"."Yes, sir..." answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?" Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients. The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.

"Bravo ya Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!"

And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor. "I put eye drops in her eyes."

The Barber

2007-02-25T10:14:00.000-05:00

A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.

The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave."

The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face. "Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!" He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with muffled voice asked, "Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"

The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow. That's what most guys do."

Divorced Barbie

2007-02-22T19:32:00.000-05:00

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday

He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95.

Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95.

Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks:
"What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $19.95?

The salesperson annoyingly answers :
"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... one of Ken's Friends.

Never Trust a Doctor

2007-02-21T16:28:00.000-05:00

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast.

Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

The Healer

2007-02-20T22:18:00.000-05:00

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

Bees!!

2007-02-17T13:19:00.000-05:00

I got stung for the first time when I was about 10, and I think the incident scarred me for years. My family and I were out on a hike with some friends of theirs. We were walking and a yellowjacket somehow flew up my pantleg and stung me on the back of the leg. Well I went into a panic attack and spazzed. I know better now, but that was not the thing to do. Being Mama's little boy still, she whipped off my pants and put some mud on it, right in front of their friends. I wonder if they remember that?

A neighbor and I used to play sports together all the time. In the summer, winter, spring and fall you would have probably seen us shooting hoops, fielding groundballs, or tossing the pigskin around. IN the summer was the time of year when you could also see us running inside to get away from a bee. I know I probably brought the fear onto him, but he caught on quick. "A bee, a bee!!" Inside we usually did manage to get a glass of Kool-Aid, so we made it a habit. Thinking back to that, I find it hilarious that I would pretty much freak out when I saw anything flying.

I currently am not quite that scared of them, but I still avoid getting near them if I have the chance.

I've gotten stung in some pretty funny ways as well. One time I was riding my bike and I got stung right on the inside of my leg near my crotch. Talk about a sudden burst of pain, and in that area. I lost focus on the driving and steered right into the bushes on the side of the road.

Golfing, what a great sport. I've been stung twice golfing. One of the incidents would probably be one of my brother-in-law's funniest moments. We teed of on number 4 and as we were approaching the green the ranger told us to "be careful about a hornet's nest on the side of the green on the next hole. Someone had hit the nest or the tree it's in and they're mad!" We tee of on number 5 and I hit my second shot just right of the green. Of course that's where the nest was near. I run over to my ball and was going to play it quick and there were hornets zooming all around. As soon as I was about to hit the ball one stung me on the calf. I jumped away and high-stepped across the green, to his amusement. I didn't get stung any more, but that sure got my adrenaline pumping!

I've been stung several other times in my life. I've never been stung multiple times at once though, thankfully.

I guess I have apiphobia, or melissophobia, although it has gotten better.

Giving The Finger

2007-02-15T20:14:00.000-05:00

Giving The Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually hanged to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird." IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew everything!

Men on the bus

2007-01-15T17:20:00.000-05:00

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:

"Emma come first,
Den I come,
Den two asses come together,
I come once-a-more,
Two asses, they come together again,
I come again and pee twice,
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."

Grandmas Don't Know Everything

2006-12-19T23:03:00.000-05:00

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

Secret to a Long Marriage

2006-12-10T11:39:00.000-05:00

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where?

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go get her."

The Poker Game

2006-12-01T22:59:00.000-05:00

Six, retired Floridians, play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse.

A member of the group, Meier, loses $5000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name....leave it to me"

Goldberg goes over to the Meier apartment, and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $5000 playing poker, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2006-11-24T12:43:00.000-05:00

Male Stripper

2006-11-15T12:40:00.000-05:00

I found this on the net...

The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home. . .

Medical Humor

2006-10-19T14:41:00.000-04:00

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see: The man had over fifty patches on his body. Now, the instructions also include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the obvious!

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

And of course, the best is saved for last. A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.

Beans, Beans

2006-10-15T00:07:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is so sweet and gentlemanly, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up the beans.

Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

Speed Trap

2006-10-09T17:42:00.000-04:00

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.

But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem : a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said

"RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading

"TIPS"

& a bucket at his feet, full of change. $$$ hehe

Dear Abby

2006-10-02T10:37:00.000-04:00

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs, the phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work. You don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all? I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property. She then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover. So, is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

Top Ten Reasons

2006-10-01T10:31:00.000-04:00

Top ten reasons men prefer guns to women

10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22

9. You can keep one gun at home and keep another for when you're on the road.

8. If you admire a friend's gun, he'll probably let you try it out a few times .

7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for backup.

6. Your gun will stay with you, even if you run out of ammo.

5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

4. Guns function normally, every day of the month.

3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND the number 1 reason a gun is favored over women...

1. You can buy a silencer for a gun.

Just a Tap

2006-09-28T21:11:00.002-04:00

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Be Careful Naming Your Dog

2006-09-18T21:42:00.000-04:00

I can't admit I wrote this personally, but I thought it was funny:

What Not To Name Your Dog
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said,"But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

I can't say that Sex has always been good. One time I was at the park and tied him to a tree while I used the bathroom. When I came back he was gone. I told a lady that was there "I've looked everywhere for Sex, without any luck. Can you help me?" She slapped me in the face, and walked away.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

Domain Names

2006-08-31T12:01:00.000-04:00

Be careful what you choose for a domain name

These are all real sites. . . .

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name? http://www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at http://www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at http://www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company? http://www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: http://www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always http://www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is http://www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their wacky website: http://www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at http://www.gotahoe.com

Bumper Stickers

2006-08-28T22:07:00.000-04:00

Here are some great bumper sticker ideas:

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

Never believe generalizations.

Avoid alliterations always.

Know When to Say When

Dyslexics are teople poo.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The control key on the keyboard does not work.

Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).

On your mark, get set, go away!

I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

What would Scooby do?

I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.

I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Cover Me! I'm Changing Lanes

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

Old age comes at a bad time.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

Without ME, it's just AWESO.

Honk if you want to see my finger.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

Driver carries no cash. He's married.

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

Don't believe everything you think.

All men are idiots ... I married their king.

Earth is full. Go home.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.

What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?

Golf Balls

2006-08-21T22:17:00.000-04:00

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled
blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Indian Name

2006-08-10T14:24:00.000-04:00

A man from Lusk Wyoming tells of meeting an old
Indian who was asked what his wife's name was.

"Wife name 'Three Horse'," he answered.

"That's an unusual name for your wife.  What
does 'Three Horse' actually signify?"

"It's an old Indian name for 'Nag, Nag, Nag'."

For Brainiacs Only!

2006-07-27T13:39:00.000-04:00

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

Answers are in the comments section-

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."

Answers are in the comments section-

Two Statues

2006-07-26T19:37:00.000-04:00

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"

Presidential IQs

2006-07-24T22:36:00.000-04:00

The Presidential IQ Report

WASHINGTON --In a published report, the Lovenstein Institute of Scranton, Pennsylvania has detailed findings of a four month study of the intelligence quotient of President George W. Bush. Since 1973, the Lovenstein Institute has published its research to the education community on each new president, which includes the famous "IQ" report among others.

According to statements in the report, there have been twelve presidents over the past 60 years, from F. D. Roosevelt to G. W. Bush who were all rated based on scholarly achievements, writings that they alone produced without aid of staff, their ability to speak with clarity, and several other psychological factors which were then scored in the Swanson/Crain system of intelligence ranking. The study determined the following IQs of each president as accurate to within five percentage points:

147	Franklin D. Roosevelt (D)
132	Harry Truman (D)
122	Dwight D. Eisenhower (R)
174	John F. Kennedy (D)
126	Lyndon B. Johnson (D)
155	Richard M. Nixon (R)
121	Gerald R. Ford (R)
176	James E. Carter (D)
105	Ronald W. Reagan (R)
98	George H. W. Bush (R)
182	William J. Clinton (D)
91	George W. Bush (R)

The six Republican presidents of the past 60 years had an average IQ of 115.5, with President Nixon having the highest IQ, at 155. President G. W. Bush was rated the lowest of all the Republicans with an IQ of 91.

The six Democrat presidents had IQs with an average of 156, with President Clinton having the highest IQ, at 182. President Lyndon B. Johnson was rated the lowest of all the Democrats with an IQ of 126.

No president other than Carter (D) has released his actual IQ, 176. Among comments made concerning the specific testing of President GW Bush, his low ratings were due to his apparent difficulty to command the English language in public statements, his limited use of vocabulary (6,500 words for Bush versus an average of 11,000 words for other presidents), his lack of scholarly achievements other than a basic MBA, and an absence of any body of work which could be studied on an intellectual basis.

The complete report documents the methods and procedures used to arrive at these ratings, including depth of sentence structure and voice stress confidence analysis. "All the Presidents prior to George W. Bush had a least one book under their belt, and most had written several white papers during their education or early careers.

Not so with President Bush," Dr. Lovenstein said. "He has no published works or writings, so in many ways that made it more difficult to arrive at an assessment. We had to rely more heavily on transcripts of his unscripted public speaking."

The Lovenstein Institute of Scranton Pennsylvania think tank includes high caliber historians, psychiatrists, sociologists, scientists in human behavior, and psychologists. Among their ranks are Dr. Werner R. Lovenstein, world-renowned sociologist, and Professor Patricia F. Dilliams, a world-respected psychiatrist. This study was commissioned on February 13, 2001, and released on July 9, 2001, to subscribing member universities and organizations within the education community.

** This report was evidently a hoax. Some major newspapers needed to retract their statements after buying into the false claims.

Fuel- It's a pain in the GAS

2006-07-21T00:05:00.000-04:00

How high will fuel costs soar? Are the prices changing your plans? I have to admit they're starting to change mine, and I'm tired of it!

I live about 50 miles from my job. We're talking about moving closer to that, and I'm also applying for some jobs closer. If costs go above $4/gallon, which they're supposed to, that'll be about $70 per week that I'm spending just on gas.

In response, I propose the following signs be put at exit ramps on all freeways and highways that advertise fuel.

Spaghetti

2006-07-18T22:49:00.000-04:00

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian
woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she
confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
he paid her a large sum of money if she would go
to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the
baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to
mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the
back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post
card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it
later," he said.


The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read
the card, turned white, and fainted.




On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

0 to 200 in 4 seconds

2006-07-14T17:57:00.000-04:00













The couple had been debating the
purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted
a fast little sports-like car so
she could zip through traffic
around town.

He would probably have settled for
any beat up old truck, but everything
she that seemed to like was way out
of  their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something
that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or  less.  And my birthday is coming
up. You surprise me!"


For her birthday, he bought her a brand
new bathroom scale.




Services are pending and it will be
a closed casket!

More Laughs

2006-07-13T17:23:00.000-04:00

HA HA HA HA

2006-07-12T17:20:00.000-04:00

Today is my one year anniversary with this blog. YAY!

Pull the Plug

2006-07-11T07:09:00.000-04:00

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room. He says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, depending on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She gets up and unplugs the TV.

VACATION

2006-06-20T20:39:00.000-04:00

Going on vacation for 2 weeks, starting on June 21st- July 5th. No posts until I'm back... take care

You Make Me Laugh!!

2006-06-19T02:50:00.000-04:00

Another odd topic, but one that I know we can all relate to. Laughing...

It sure can make a person feel good. It can even hurt (physically). There are many different kinds of laughter. Some people's laughter makes a connection with yourself that brings out a laugh of your own.

I personally have a few people that I enjoy laughing with more than others. They're able to get me laughing, and I can get them to laugh. I think the thing I like about it is it's fun to get them to laugh, and I like hearing their deep, sincere chuckle.

I've heard that laughter is the best medicine. I guess in a way that's true. I've been in a crappy mood, and have had a good conversation with someone, and have had something strike me as funny, and my whole attitude changed.

There used to be this show on called "Make Me Laugh" and I used to like watching it, and trying not to laugh at them. Some of them were very tough to hold it in.

And of course there's a big difference between laughing and just smiling. I think with laughter you're touching a part down inside of a person. To smile is one thing, but to bring out a chortle, a chuckle, a snort, a giggle, a bellow... that's something different altogether.

Now the giggles is something that can land someone in trouble. Have you ever gotten the giggles with someone in a place where you shouldn't have? I've gotten the giggles in class, and in church. Not the best places to be snickering uncontrollably with someone else.

I like laughing every so often so hard that my stomach or my cheeks are sore. That's when I know that things are going to be fine, and that I really haven't changed too much. It feels good to laugh hard once in a while. A good belly laugh is a good for you, I think....

And that's the end of the rambling on this topic... Now go ahead a laugh at me! hehehe

The Salesman

2006-06-17T01:26:00.000-04:00

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting
tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask
if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid
not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but
down the hall from your room is a vending
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the
machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into
the opening, at which time the machine started
to buzz and spin.

Fifteen seconds he pulled out his head and
surveyed his reflection, which reflected the
best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a
sign that read, "Manicures $20." "Why not?"
he thought. He paid the money, inserted his
hands into the slot, and the machine started
to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he
pulled out his hands and they were perfectly
manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,
"Machine provides a service men need when
away from Their Wives, 50 Cents."

He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the
machine, unzipped his fly, and with some
anticipation, stuck his manhood into the
opening.

When the machine started buzzing, he let out
a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw
his member... which now had a button
neatly sewn on the end.

Where's George

2006-06-15T17:26:00.000-04:00

Here's a site that I visit from time to time. It's a currency tracking website. It's kind of interesting to see where your bills go after you use them.

Sometimes when I get some cash- $1, $5, $10, $20 I'll go to this website and enter the serial number in. I also add where I got it from. Down the line it's neat to go back and see if anyone else has used the bill and logged it into wheresgeorge.com.

I think it'd be neat if more people would utilize this site. It'd be fun to see where our money has traveled.

So, log onto Where's George and register. Enter some of the serial numbers and see if the bills you have are in the system.

Heart Murmur

2006-06-15T04:20:00.000-04:00

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh !"

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Well," said the doctor, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" "Do you drink in excess?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doctor, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING ?"

Hiccups are annoying!

2006-06-13T00:35:00.000-04:00

Hiccups are more annoying than anything for me at this moment!

How many times can a child wake themself up in the middle of the night hiccupping? It's not the fact that she wakes up anymore, it's the fact that in the past 2 night the little one has been awakened from hiccups.

The thing that really pisses me off is that there's not much you can do to get rid of them, at least with an infant. I feel like scaring the crap out of her, but that'd be pretty dumb. Thinking about it though provides some comfort.

I guess the main thing in all this is keeping a sense of humor. Many of you reading this are smirking right now, remembering past experiences that I'm encountering now.

"Honey, she's up again, and has the hiccups."

"Hiccup, Hiccup, Hiccup."

I try to calm her down and put her against my chest, and pat her back slowly. That doesn't do much, other than calming her down.

The thing is, if she wouldn't wake up from the stupid hiccups, she'd probably sleep for another hour or two, maybe more. Instead, she wakes up, and is then hungry.

I DON'T HAVE BOOBS! (Although sometimes she thinks I do...)

My wife usually pumps two bottles each morning, so I can help out in the middle of the night. I usually try to let her sleep from midnight to six, at the least. (I've missed out on her pumping the past few days because of sleeping after being up during the night, DOGGONE IT!)

The Newlyweds

2006-06-12T06:33:00.000-04:00

The newlyweds
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed.

Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.

That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.

This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

Breasts - Better than TV?

2006-06-10T12:09:00.001-04:00

Alright, my wife and I just had our first child. It has been a learning experience to say the least. I was given oodles of advice, and read a lot of books to prepare myself. Two weeks after the fact I think we've been doing quite well.

I know, I know... things can change on a daily basis, but I've really enjoyed the whole fatherhood experience so far.

My wife's boobs are off limits to me. There I admit it now. I never thought it'd happen, but I'm respecting that.

My wife is breastfeeding, which is the main topic of my post today. That means that I am helping most of the time. Our little one likes to doze off often. She'll usually eat well for 7-8 minutes and then drop off into deep sleep. I try to keep her awake by brushing her cheek, rubbing her feet, or caressing her head.

Many times this doesn't work. We've had to call upon higher measures to keep her awake long enough to get the nutrition she needs. I've used a cold cloth on her head, and this works well sometimes. She doesn't really like it that much and usually throws a little tantrum. I would too if I was trying to doze off and someone put something cold on my head. I'm doing it for a good reason...

So what about it all is better than TV?

I'll tell you what I'm talking about... it's the breast pump. Have you ever seen these things in action? The first time I watched my wife hooked up to it I was in amazement! I guess as a guy I've always been interested in the female breast, but to see it being put to use in that way was mesmerizing. I could have watched that thing pumping her boobs for hours. I never realized how amazing the human body could be. The whole pregnancy process really is fascinating. To see milk coming out of my wife's breasts, and to think that is being used to nourish and feed my little girl. Unbelievable.

It's a miracle!

Because of this wonderful invention, I can partake in the feeding of our child. I've been assigned the first shift after midnight. I love it so far. I can give my little girl a bottle and she falls asleep in my arms afterwards.

That too is much better than TV!

Strangers on a Train

2006-06-07T14:03:00.000-04:00

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

She says, "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Are you Man enough for the Job?

2006-06-03T14:01:00.000-04:00

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Oh Baby!!

2006-05-29T15:40:00.000-04:00

Alena Lydia

She was born on Saturday, May 27th, 2006 at 2:28 P.M.

Birth Order

2006-05-23T14:30:00.000-04:00

My wife and I are expecting our first born anytime. The official due date is the 30th, so a week from today. We are very excited. I'd like to dedicate the next few posts to parenthood, expecting parents, and babies. Here's the first one:






The Birth Order of Children

Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon
as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as
long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular
clothes.
______________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that
last time,breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth
month.
______________________________________________________
The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes,
color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly
in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the
clothes are clean and discard only the ones
with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--
a whimper,a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her
wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old
how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the
floor, you put it away until you can go
home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the
floor, you squirt it off with some juice
from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt
and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers
every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every
two to three hours,if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper
before others start to complain about the
smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
Baby Swing,and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket
and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby
with a sitter,you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door,
you remember to leave a number where you can be
reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter
to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day
just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching
to be sure your older child isn't squeezing,
poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day
hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin,
you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you
carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you
deduct it from his allowance!

Escape the Room Games

2006-05-20T17:28:00.000-04:00

You wake up, not knowing where you are... you look around. You're in a room with one door, but it's locked. How can you find your way out?

On the bottom of the page linked below are a lot of fun escape the room games. Some of them offer walkthroughs, if you get stuck. Try them out!

Escape the Room Forums

These type of flash games can be fun, if you have the patience, or I guess even if you don't.

I've spent quite a bit of time trying to get out of the rooms, and I think they're a lot of fun.

Deserted

2006-05-14T15:30:00.000-04:00

There was a Priest and a Nun crossing the desert on a camel one day when a terrible sand storm came. It lasted for 6 hours and when it finally cleared they were horrified to see their camel was dead. They had no food or water and the situation looked hopeless. The Priest turned to the Nun and said "Sister, seeing as we are going to die out here, can you grant me one wish?"

The Nun said "Yes Father, what is your final wish?"
"In all my years in the church I’ve never seen a pair of breasts before." said the Priest. The Nun was a bit shocked but lifted her robes to show off her tits in all their glory. The Priest smiled and said "Thank you Sister."

Then the Nun turned to the Priest and said "Father, in all my years in the church I have never seen a man’s ’thingy’ before. Is it alright for you to show me?" The priest happily agreed and got his junk out. The Nun studied it intensly. The Priest had his eyes closed and was rising to attention as the Nun touched it with fascination. The Priest said with a smile on his face, "Sister, do you know that when it’s placed in certain ’areas’ it can give life?"

And the Nun looked and at him and said "WELL STICK IT UP THIS CAMELS ARSE AND LETS GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE!!!!"

Worth a Giggle 2

2006-05-13T22:40:00.000-04:00

For a Quick Giggle

2006-05-09T22:25:00.000-04:00

Sexy Lady in the Bar

2006-05-05T19:28:00.000-04:00

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet tavern. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no." the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," She whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"

Jealousy

2006-04-23T22:00:00.000-04:00

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.

"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.

"Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"

Going batty!

2006-04-17T09:35:00.000-04:00

Little did I know the terror such a little creature such as a bat would bring me.

This happened before I was married. Thankfully my wife didn't have to deal with any of this, but if only she could've seen what I went through.

I arrived home from a nice weekend out of town. I sat down at my computer and was checking up on the latest sports scores when all of a sudden I see WINGS. flap-flap-flap

I realize what it is and spaz. I don't really want wings of a bat in my face. My first thought was a bird, when I hadn't a chance to look. Even worse for me, is a bat. I know, they're small and fragile. Well, it's the wings that get me, and I'm not going near them.

So I get out of the room as quickly as possible, and it flies out the other door. Imagine sitting relaxed at a computer and 'whalla' - a bat starts flying around you. The ceilings in the rooms were about 8 feet high, so it was 2 feet above my head, if that. I DID NOT want that thing landing on me.

My plan - get it to fly out the front door. I wasn't risking any chance of it landing on me, or touching me. I had no tennis racket, and nothing really to swat it with. I wouldn't have even considered it anyway.

I had ran out of the room, and lost track of where it went. So now I had to locate the bugger. I snuck around like a sleuth, looking at every ceiling, every wall. I found the little guy nestled in my back entryway, resting on a wall.

Now to follow my plan I had to get him to fly out of the back entryway, through the kitchen (which was adjacent) and then through the living room (adjacent to the kitchen and computer room). To get him to fly I decided to use some wasp/hornet spray. I thought it might even kill him. Plus, it had a long range of spray... nearly 20 feet.

I took aim and got ready to run, but missed him with the spray. Then I got ready again and off the wall he came like "A bat out of hell" haha. I guess I wasn't quite ready, and plunged out of there, ramming into the refrigerator, and nearly tipping it over, moving it about six feet to the side. I ran to the front door, and ran outside.

The plan worked! He flew around a few times, and then flew out the front door. Whew!

I could relax. I decided to go to bed. I usually sleep in my skivvies, and laid down. I heard a rustling noise, and wondered, "What the heck is that now?" I decided I better find out since my mind was working up some eerie thoughts.

I turned on the lights, and decided to have a look around. Just near my bed was a small rectangular window, about shoulder height for me when I'm standing. I thought I heard something there, so I pulled the curtain back, and I'm greeted with WINGS flap-flap-flap.

Keep in mind I'm in only my underwear, and if I decently described my dislike for the wings, I was sprawled on the floor (in my underwear) in about one nanosecond. The bat was flying circles about 5 feet above my head, and I crawled for the door. I crawled out, not knowing if it had made it out too and ran for the bathroom. Luckily I had some clothes in there, and put on a sweatshirt and sweats.

My plan- Get him out of the bedroom. I was tired, and fed up at this point, and ready almost swat at one.

I opened the door, and he flew out of the room less than a minute after and went to the back entryway.

I'm now wondering how many I'm dealing with. I did a good search of my bedroom, and slept with the light on that night.

The next day I called my landlord and made him get rid of it.

For 2 years I didn't have any bats in the house. Then one night, I was sitting at my computer again, when it decided to visit my little computer room. I shut it in there that night and thought of a plan.

I laugh at myself now... I put a sheet up blocking off the kitchen/living room. I kept the bathroom door shut, so I wanted it to fly out the front door, which is off of the living room. I had found out it had spent the night in a closet in the computer room. The doors for the closet are the type where you pull the handle and they separate in the middle (forget the name of that type) Anyway I had blocked off the bottom of the closet, so I figured he couldn't get out.

About midnight the next night I heard him become active. He was moving around in there, and I could hear him on the floor. I was at the ready. I had on my bat-fighting outfit (sweatshirt with hood up, long pants, winter cap, gloves, 9-iron) I was ready!

Little did I know he decided to squish himself out through the top of the closet door. (Getting the heebie-jeebies again picturing this in my mind). He eventually squished through the small gap and sat on the door for what seemed like an hour. I had the door off the living room all set. I figured he'd fly out of that room, into the living room and fly out the door. Do you think he could do that for me? NOPE

He did finally fly out, and did a nice 3-4 circle tour of the living room, and then nestled to rest in the corner opposite of the front door. HELLO, MR. BAT --- GO OUTSIDE WHERE YOU BELONG!!!! So I was sick of the whole thing and began chucking gloves, hats, whatever I could find at the little bugger to get him out. Finally I nailed him with a glove and he flew around once and then flew outside.

That was the last episode with bats I hope I ever have. I've since moved from that place, but I still get a little jumpy when a shadow quickly goes by me as I'm sitting around.

I hope you enjoyed my little horror story!

Reposted**

Can you Remember your First Date?

2006-04-10T11:06:00.000-04:00

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single.

This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There is absolutely no question why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.

Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so leaned her butt to rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about what is taking so long with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance.

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show... she took the prize hands down... or perhaps that should be pants down.

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment - - - -This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.

A Pet Peeve

2006-04-08T21:18:00.000-04:00

Ok, most of the highways around here are two lanes. Every so often there's a passing zone= 3 lanes, two on one side for a passing zone of sorts.

Why in the heck do the people who drive right at 55 MPH for miles upon miles think that this is suddenly a freeway? It's not a freeway, it's a chance to get past a slow-poke like you! So, I drive 70 to pass the dimwit who ups his/her speed to 65. ANNOYING!

I feel like making a huge sign and putting it in my window when I drive past them.

"THE SPEED LIMIT IS STILL 55 MORON!"

Silly Schtuff

2006-04-08T18:48:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter everyone

Where'd the cat go?

What Time is It?

2006-04-07T09:15:00.000-04:00

A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an english speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.

"Excuse me," the husband says, "could you tell us the time?"

"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and lifts the donkey's balls. "It is 3:10", the man exclaims.

"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.

Again the elderly man lifts the donkey's balls and says, "It is now 4:45."

By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the time simply by lifting this donkey's balls!"

"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. "Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?"

"Of course", the man replies.

"Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience. "Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed.

"Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband does just that.

"Now" the man says, "can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"

The Newlyweds

2006-04-05T18:34:00.000-04:00

** Warning - Mild Adult Humor **

A couple had just gotten married and were on their honeymoon. They had made love numerous times and were really enjoying their time together.

One evening after one of their more rowdy sessions the wife snuggled up to her new husband and said, "Honey, I love you very much, but I need to be honest with you. There will come a time when we're going to lose our gusto, or not feel in the mood as much as we do now.

The husband nodded his head "Yes, I've heard about that happening. What should we do?"

His beautiful bride thought for a while and then sighed, "I'm not sure, maybe we need to come up with a plan."

The husband was quiet for a while and said with a grin, "I know....you'll have a signal. If you want to have sex, you can stroke me once."

He paused for a moment and then added, "And if you don't want to, you can stroke me 500 times!"

How to Shower:

2006-03-29T18:54:00.000-05:00

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry

hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you

see husband along the way, cover up any exposed

areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make

mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg

cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo

with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner

enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for

10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa

cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country. * Wrap

hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and

towel on head. If you see husband along the way,

cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the

bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her

making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire

the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse

them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and

surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs

stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was

hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light

and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you

pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and

make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at

the truth behind this, there is something SO very

wrong with you. Have a great day!

Oh, and....woo woo!!!

Warm Summer Day

2006-03-28T19:00:00.000-05:00

A bunch of kids were trying to figure out what to do on a warm summer day. One of them gets an idea.

"But, I need some money....how much we got?," said one of the kids. Pooling their money, they got only $5.

The kid takes the $5 and runs off to the store, soon returning with a package of Tampons.

"What good are those?" the other kids ask him.

The kid replies, "Look, it says here that, with these, you can go swimming, ride a horse, play tennis......"

Fortune Cookies

2006-03-21T19:16:00.000-05:00

I don't really believe in them, but I do think they're fun to read anyway.

IF you'd like to receive a fun online fortune cookie, CLICK HERE:

One thing that I like to do is whatever the fortune says, add "in bed" to it.

Like the other day, I got this fortune:

"You will have great success in life" (in bed)

Now in addition to the fortune, they're adding other things, like lucky numbers. In the picture below, the numbers given won the lottery!

You can also have fortune cookies made to say what you want. Imagine getting your bill and cookies and getting the fortune below, haha:

Here's another photo of a sheet of fortunes. Have you ever had any of these popular ones? Have fun with them by adding my phrase:

Stopped for speeding

2006-03-19T11:36:00.000-05:00

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Amazing Art!!!

2006-03-15T13:37:00.000-05:00

These are all chalk drawings! They are simply amazing!!!

Snow, Snow, Snow!

2006-03-14T11:38:00.000-05:00

What a crazy 24 hours it has been here! (I'll upload a picture when Blogger's picture thing isn't being stupid)

The snow if finally starting to stop falling, but for a while we were getting about 2 inches or more an hour of wet, wet snow every hour.

I have a 50 mile drive to work and back. On the way there it hadn't started snowing yet. Shortly after I arrived at work it started, and soon looked nasty. I just shook my head, picturing the ride home. We were released early, at around 12:30. I got home at around 2:10.

If you've never driven in snow, you don't have an idea of what it's like. I drive in it a lot, but this was different. Wet snow is hard to drive in, and it was coming down so fast, it made it pretty intense driving through it.

The windshield was getting all slushy and iced up within minutes of cleaning it off. I had to pull over and clean off my wipers 4 times (probably could have a few more, but I couldn't see enough spots to pull over. At one point the passenger side wiper had a huge ice chunk built up between it and the windshield, leaving it useless as it rode on the chunk back and forth.

Looking outside today, I would've predicted that we were greeted by around 20 inches of new snow, but according to the NWS, an amazing 32 inches fell on us in a 24 hour period!!! The whole area was kind of in a lockdown last night, and there was a blizzard warning until noon today. Now everyone is cleaning up, but there's a chance of more snow until tomorrow morning.

The good news? No work today again! The perks of being a teacher I guess!

The Juggler

2006-03-11T11:17:00.000-05:00

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car. A drunk got out and watched the performance briefly and then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door, and got in.

The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take me on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test!"

Hospital Hysteria

2006-03-08T08:35:00.000-05:00

A modest man is in the hopital for a series of tests. One of the tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom...he decided the latest was another.

He completely filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets,and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The Security guard asked: "What's going on?"

To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

The Dental Visit

2006-03-06T19:57:00.000-05:00

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."

After a while he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your damn tooth."

How to get out of a speeding ticket

2006-03-04T16:18:00.000-05:00

Two guys I know were on their way home from a sporting event when they were pulled over for driving too fast.

Both of them are over 6 feet tall and stocky. The guy driving had one ticket on his record and didn't want another one, so they pulled over and started thinking quick.

The driver came up with a zany idea. He said, "Quick, flick me on the nose hard a couple of times!"

The passenger wondered what he was talking about. Again the driver pleaded, "Flick me in the nose, hurry!"

The passenger did what he said. (If you've ever done that to yourself, you know how painful that can be) He suddenly had tears pouring out of his eyes. The passenger quickly did the same thing.

The police officer got to the window and motioned for him to roll it down. Once the window was down he saw two huge guys huddled together crying, with tears in their eyes. He was spellbound, and didn't know what to say.

He eventually retorted, "Try to keep your speed down. I'm sorry, have a nice day!"

That is how they got out of the ticket, and if you could see them both, you'd laugh.

You Broke My Balls!

2006-03-02T12:54:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine was sitting in the doctor’s office waiting to be called back in. A young boy around 3 or 4 was actively moving about, going under the chairs, sitting on top of the tables, and just having a good time. His mother kept calling him down and was becoming quite exasperated in her efforts to keep him still.

In frustration, she finally picked him up and set him in a chair in a no-nonsense fashion.

The little boy began to cry, “My balls, you broke my balls!” He then reached in his pockets and pulled out some crushed Ping-Pong balls.

An older gentleman sitting across the room came over and gave the little boy five dollars and said, “Here son, get you some new balls. You just made my day.”

Packing a Punch

2006-03-01T21:40:00.000-05:00

Tonight the guys did their thing again on American Idol, and they proved once again what a solid group they are. I'd hate to have to pick 6 right now, and it'll be easier to go by the total votes. There's so much talent in the group.

Once again though, I strongly feel that Chris Daughtry was the top performer. His vocals are so strong, and he could easily be on the charts right now. Close behind him was Elliot. I listened closer to him because last week I didn't hear what the judges heard when they raved about him. After his song I was simply in awe. He was the tops of the night, until Chris finished. Gedeon was also very strong tonight. The rest were good, or fair, but I didn't think they compared with those 3 tonight.

What did you think?

As far as who I think will be voted off tomorrow- I'd predict David and Bucky. That's what I think anyway. David just croons, and they all sound the same to me now. Bucky is a nice guy, but I'm tired of that style. I want to see some range...

Final 10 Women - American Idol

2006-02-28T23:11:00.000-05:00

Did you think they all were a little flat tonight? I thought overall they were all a little less impressive tonight than they were last week.

Who's so hot that she'll make it in based on how cute and sweet she is? That's Kellie Pickler. The sweetheart from North Carolina actually can sing too, and charmed the viewing audience before her song by her interview. Kellie, you're awesome, and so down to earth! I wish you the best in the competition.

As far as the rest of the group went, Katharine McPhee and Paris Bennett seem to be shoe-ins for the final 6. Both have great vocals, and charisma. Lisa Tucker is also right up there, and you can tell that she's been doing that for most of her 16 years. I thought Melissa McGhee did a great job tonight as well. Cutting the final two before we get to the "Final 12" will be tough next week.

Who will probably get voted off after tonight's performance?

If Brenna Gethers makes it through this week's voting, then she is stacking the ballots, or calling 50,000 times for herself, because she's like nails on a chalkboard. The other person that I think will be voted off this week will be Heather Cox.

I can't wait for tomorrow night. The guys have awesome talent this year too!

If you can't beat it, join it!

2006-02-26T16:15:00.000-05:00

Snow is good, snow is fun!SNOW SNOW SNOW!!!SNOWANGELS ARE EASY HERE!!!LOVE THE WHITE STUFF!!!

Idols or Idol?

2006-02-23T10:18:00.000-05:00

I've gotten a sore thumb flipping between American Idol and the Olympics! I have to admit, I'm an American Idol buff, but I also love watching the competitiveness of the Olympic games.

Have you had the same difficulty choosing what to watch?

I do watch some of the Olympics earlier in the day on CBC, or other NBC stations, but over the past few nights I've been flipping back and forth. I enjoy American Idol now that it gets to this stage, the final 24.

We've gotten to 12 guys and 12 girls. Who do you think has been the hottest so far? I've got my favorites picked out after this past week's competition.

For the girls- Katharine, Paris, and Lisa were awesome in their first night, and were my top 3. (I also liked Kellie and Mandisa) Who do you think was good?

For the guys- Chris, Ace, and Taylor were the top 3 in my book, but there were a few others that I thought were quite good too (Will and Gedeon) What about that?

The judges all thought Elliot was awesome for the guys, but I didn't really hear what they heard, so I'll have to listen closer to him the next week.

The Olympics are in the final 4 days. The hockey medal games are nearing, and the final skating competitions are also coming soon. I think there have been some great performances by the athletes involved. I've seen a lot of instances of great courage, and thought to myself.. "wow, that was impressive" many, many times! There have been disappointments too, of course. That is what the Olympics are all about, and any competition. There have to be winners and losers.

Funny photos

2006-02-22T18:59:00.000-05:00

Here's a good one:

Or how about this one?

Computer Help Desk - FUNNY

2006-02-19T14:36:00.000-05:00

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialog of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

New Blog Traffic Increaser!

2006-02-18T20:43:00.000-05:00

Try Blog Mad, and get in before it gets big!

You can sure pick them!

2006-02-17T20:07:00.000-05:00

Not the most high class topic in the world, I'm sure, but today's topic deals with Nose Picking! What is it about picking the nose that makes people react in such a way?

Can you dig it?

Ask yourself... does it make you laugh or disgust you?

Does it depend if the person doing it is young or old? Or does the age of the suspect matter at all, one way or another?

To me, I think it's funny. I couldn't lie if I said that I've never done it. I usually just do a little nose-hair grooming now, and not out in public.

What I find humorous is little kids though. You wonder where they get the idea from. They'll go digging away and wipe it wherever they see fit. I've even seen some eat their find, but I won't elaborate at all.

My first thoughts are... did they learn that by watching mommy or daddy? (laugh)

I guess when I catch adults going for the gold it's mainly driving in the car. If you pull up alongside them, they may be searching for treasure up the schnoz. If they're just doing some basic exploration, it really doesn't gross me out too much, and it's really just makes me laugh. Especially if they see someone's watching.

What is gross though is when you see them going for the gusto. I really don't care to see someone doing that, and just thinking about it now is enough, so I'll stop right there.

The phrase my family says most often is "Digging for Gold" or "Mining for Gold"

And that's all I have to say about that...

Homemade Fire Truck

2006-02-13T21:25:00.000-05:00

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and she's wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl said.

The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," said the fire fighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Be glad you didn't say it

2006-02-02T18:51:00.000-05:00

Golfing Troubles

2006-02-01T00:09:00.000-05:00

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

The outhouse!

2006-01-28T19:12:00.000-05:00

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why? The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, " Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!"

Pictures

2006-01-27T14:58:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures that made me laugh! More to come soon!